my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
