Umm I'm too high to move.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Someone came in the potted fern
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
