Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
