fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
