I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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