well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
