her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
