so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
