she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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