my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
