I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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