The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
