She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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