Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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