did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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