i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
