She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
