I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
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You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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