You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
