You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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