you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
