P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it was like eating out sand paper
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
