Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
