Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
