dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
