Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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