My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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