i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
