I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
