apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
