Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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