If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
