i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
