If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
