Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
