I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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