Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
