Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
