pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
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I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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