Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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