My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
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If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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