Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
