So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
