Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
