I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
