Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
