Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
