my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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