She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
