It's Friday. Sex?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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