Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
