i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
