i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
