Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
